How to Cultivate Self-Love
And why it’s important in the first place.
Forgive me for I’m about to start with a blanket statement: While our Indian culture is rich, diverse, and one of the oldest in the world — we aren’t really taught the concept of self-love.
Don’t get me wrong. There is a lot of love and warmth that comes from instinctively protective and strong communities. We respect our elders. We care for our siblings (while fulfilling an almost parental duty towards the younger ones). We have smiled politely when every other neighbour has waxed lyrical about how they believe we should be living our lives. It’s what good kids do.
Our communities love us and we love them right back. That’s a good thing.
But one of the things that most of us missed out on was self-love. Or having a strong individualistic sense of self. Or maybe even having the right to complete privacy while growing up.
Don’t believe me? Try telling a brown parent that you want to lock your door and watch all hell break loose. You’re smiling, aren’t you?
At Masterlife, we focus on how people can become better versions of themselves over time by investing in the right daily habits. These habits can help us develop ANY life skill and our extensive research has gone above and beyond to prove this through courses and detailed (yet simple) frameworks.
Confidence, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Public Speaking, Money Mindsets, Networking Skills, Physical Health & Fitness, Activating Energy Within Yourself, Personal Branding, Sales Skills — the list of our courses is endless and I shall not waste the word count here.
But the common thread across all is that one can start developing their mind with the help of tools and frameworks if AND ONLY IF they believe that they have the power to do so.
And this belief can be present only when one substantially fills the cup of self-love.
One blogpost can definitely not shake intrinsic beliefs that we have been carrying within us — beliefs arisen from entire lives impacted by social conditioning, but I am certain that with awareness and a simple set of rules, we can at least start the conversation and take it from there.
Ready?
Nervous?
Me too.
SELF-LOVE FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
In the modern-word dictionary, self-love simply means “loving yourself”.
Unfortunately, in a lot of cultures around the world it is considered akin to selfishness, vanity, and greed.
Reality Check: Self-love is being confident, warm, and caring. It’s the complete acceptance of who and what you are. It is the appreciation and affirmation of yourself.
As many psychology studies attest, self-love and self-compassion are key for mental health and its well-being, keeping depression and anxiety at bay.
WHAT SELF-LOVE IS NOT
Self-love is not narcissism, arrogance, nor is it selfishness.
Narcissism is a clinical term, defined as a pathological obsession with the self. In any conversation, the narcissist’s first thought will always start with “I” or “me.” There is little or zero capacity to think of others — so empathy is definitely off the table.
Similarly, arrogance is grounded in the ego, which for sure is not where we experience love and compassion. Both narcissism and arrogance hide insecurity. Arrogant people tend to hide those insecurities by overcompensating through either bravado or indifference.
What about selfishness? It is an action. It is behaving in ways that don’t account for other people’s needs. This usually stems from the inability to see situations from another person’s perspective.
None of these things are a reflection of self-love.
On the contrary, they inhibit the experience of love, because they do not take place in the “heart” and are designed to protect or shield us from connection to others.
DAILY RULES TO FOLLOW:
#1: I AM PROUD OF ME
Daily affirmations. Yes, they work. Really.
Look at yourself in the mirror every morning before you start your day and tell yourself the following:
“You are an original.”
“You are worthy.”
“You’re not having a great hair day and it doesn’t matter.”
“You messed up that report yesterday but I forgive you.”
“You are a badass who is going to crush it today.”
“You are enough.”
#2: GOODBYE PERFECTIONISM
Most people are raised to believe that perfectionism is a great quality to have. Being obsessed with details leads to perfect work, right? And you can also use it to answer the “What is your greatest weakness?” question during interviews. #HumbleBrag.
In reality, however, perfectionism is bad for you. Not just “not so ideal” or “harmful when too much,” but actively bad. Like cigarettes or obesity bad.
In-depth research has concluded that perfectionism is linked to shorter lifespans, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, depression, and suicidal tendencies, to name a few.
Turns out even recovering from heart disease or cancer is harder for perfectionists (I guess they want to do even that perfectly) and this trait makes them more prone to anxiety and depression.
Solution?
First, acknowledge that it’s bad for you. You deserve better than this.
Happiness is something that you’re entitled to, not something that you need to earn. Even the United Nations adopted a resolution recognizing that the “pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human goal.” The U.N. know what they’re talking about, bud.
Second, you’ve spent years cultivating this inner bully, and this has developed an unconscious reflex to put yourself down for every minor thing, no matter how ridiculous or absurd. Recognize when your self-criticism is unneeded. And start catching yourself before you beat yourself up.
Missed a deadline? Not cool.
Spilled coffee all over the floor. Relax. No biggie.
#3: THE MINDFULNESS-SELF COMPASSION COMBO
Two Harvard Medical School Professors, Profs. Neff and Germer have developed a technique called “Mindful Self-Compassion Training,” which they have tested in clinical trials with great results.
Self-compassion says, ‘Be kind to yourself in the midst of suffering and it will change.’
Mindfulness says, ‘Open to suffering with spacious awareness and it will change.’
So the idea is to put both of them together when we experience distress.
Perform mindfulness activities like meditation or writing for 20 minutes every day but with the focus on being more compassionate towards yourself. Write a letter reminding yourself who you are and all that you have overcome to get here. Tell yourself that you are hopeful the next letter will be a more positive one.
Another simple exercise involves repeating the following three phrases during times of emotional distress:
“This is a moment of suffering,” “Suffering is a part of life,” and “May I be kind to myself.”
#4: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!
Close your eyes while thinking the word “Hello!” (and open your eyes again in 3 seconds to continue reading).
Did you hear that? That was your inner voice. And it’s constantly speaking to you.
What is it generally saying to you? What is the tone it is using when addressing you?
Often, we are much harsher to ourselves than we would be to others, or than how we would expect others to treat us. So, replace the overly-critical, harsh voice with a more empathetic one.
I do not mean that you should give yourself a free pass but a little kindness could go a long, long way. If you’ve got to be your own best friend — be a great one.
#5: TOXICITY? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT
This has two steps. And here is what you do with respect to:
YOURSELF: Stop with the comparisons. You are on your own journey and it will move at its own pace. Congratulations to your neighbour on buying that really expensive car and your high school best friends on their third child. Good for them, sincerely.
And good for you — wherever you are — doing whatever you love.
Life may have a rat race in there somewhere but tell me — are you a rat? No, you are not a rat. So, stop acting like one and be the awesome human that you are meant to be.
OTHERS: Surround yourself with people who love and encourage you. Whose criticisms are constructive and stem from love and empathy.
Also — END ALL TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. Anyone who makes you feel small, less-than, unworthy of love — does not deserve to be part of your life.
Anyone who forces their opinions on you or gaslights you while pretending to be a “well-wisher” — call the po-lice, we done had enough!
WHAT EVERY DAY SELF-CARE LOOKS LIKE
The points above require some big approach changes and might take a while to make part of your daily living. But keep at it.
There’s only one of you. And you deserve all the love that you have to offer.
Here’s a list of slightly easier things that we need to incorporate as well:
- Fill your body with food and drink that nourishes it and makes it thrive.
- Moisturize! Yes, men too. Everybody has skin that needs taking care of.
- Wear whatever you feel comfortable in.
- Work towards your weight goals and love your body every single step of the way.
- Celebrate your wins. All of them. You need to be your biggest cheerleader.
- Remember that social media models aren’t your role models in real life.
- Do something you love (even if for just 10 minutes) every day.
- Treat others with love and respect. Cultivate empathy while you’re at it.
- Be grateful for who you are today and excited for who you’ll be tomorrow.
- LEARN TO SAY NO. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Really.
- Spend at least 15 minutes a day on a date with yourself. No distractions.
- Stop looking for validation from others. It’s a good-to-have. Not a need-to-have.
And the most important of all — be realistic.
There is literally no person on this planet who is happy every single moment of every single day. Not even babies, who in all honesty don’t even have education loans to pay off.
We make mistakes, we fall down, we get back up again, and most of us have an emotional range more than that of a teaspoon. We’re human.
Allow yourself to be a human being.
I hope these tips prove useful, I’m working through them too.
As long as we keep taking steps one after another, we shall soon become forces to be reckoned with and probably rule the world.
Love, YOU.
