How to Deal with Toxic People
10 smart tips to change the game.
It’s 2021. If you’re reading this then it means you have survived one of the worst years the world has had to be in a relationship with — in the last half century.
It was difficult on several levels — some challenges commonly traversed with our fellow human beings and several others uniquely ours and ours alone.
At the risk of possibly romanticizing a year gone terribly wrong, it’s important that we look back and comb over its events to recognize the positives. Use a magnifying glass if we have to.
If we were among the privileged few who weren’t struggling for day-to-day existence, then we had time to sit and introspect in the calm that the several lockdowns brought forth.
I believe that the lessened human interactions, while unnerving in their unfamiliarity, also brought in a fresh perspective. A perspective that was starting to be less tainted by external voices.
It is in this depth of solitude and calm that we would have experienced the lifting of some kind of proverbial weight off our shoulders, and by association, our minds. Dare I say, we were even happier for it.
So, what was that all about? And how do we keep that feeling around even when COVID is nothing but a distant albeit uncomfortable memory? When our lives go back to “normal”?
I know you have already read the title of this blog and so you know exactly where I am going with this.
The word for the day is “Toxicity” and to be frank, ain’t nobody got time for that. Not really. And yet, we give so much space, physically and emotionally, to people that bring so much toxicity into our personal spaces that we should be holding sacred.
Sure, we all have reasoning for why we allow it and why he have continued to allow it for several years — but if you listen carefully — they’re sounding like excuses right about now.
At Masterlife, we believe that “true happiness” is not just a state of mind — it’s a life skill. And so, like any other skill, it can be acquired and developed over a reasonable period of time.
To that effect, we have 600+ modules across several courses for the mind that in some way, shape, or form, talk about being better and happier versions of ourselves.
Whether it’s to Improve Confidence, Improve Mental Health & Well-Being, Developing an Awesome Personal Brand, or Increasing the Energy Levels of Your Body — an extremely vital step to achieve any of the above is to cut out toxicity and to burn it to the ground. I say burn it for dramatic effect but you know what I mean.
FIRST THINGS FIRST: RECOGNIZING TOXICITY
If you have a hard time dealing with someone in your life, it’s helpful to start by pinpointing problematic behaviours, rather than simply labelling them as being toxic.
· Self-absorption or self-centeredness
· Manipulation and other emotional abuse
· Dishonesty and deceit
· Difficulty offering compassion to others
· A tendency to create drama or conflict
Any of these sound familiar? To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t.
NEXT UP: THE SOLUTION
NO MORE TOXICITY.
NO MORE ENABLING GARBAGE BEHAVIOUR.
Let’s put that into 8 simple steps that we shall live by, come hell or high water.
#1: PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU FEEL
Awareness is key here. Sometimes simply becoming more aware of how someone’s behaviour negatively affects you can help you navigate interactions with them in a way that protects your peace of mind.
Be careful though. A lot of people occasionally say rude or hurtful things that they don’t really mean. No one is on their best behaviour all the time, and being in a bad mood can make them lash out. It’s not “okay” for them to do it but this may not necessarily mean that they are toxic people.
If they check themselves and apologize (or do so when you express your discomfort) and — here’s the biggie — make sure that they do not fall into a negative pattern — then they are not toxic.
But ask yourself if put-downs, lies, or other types of emotional and verbal abuse characterize most of your interactions. Do they apologize or seem to notice how what they say or do affects you? If not — whoa, red flag! They are toxic and it is absolutely okay to cut them out of your life.
Personal struggles don’t excuse abuse, and you don’t have to accept it, either.
When you delete toxic people from your life, you’ll find breathing a lot easier. Worst case scenario, leave them behind and move on when you must. It is absolutely imperative that you be strong and know when enough is enough!
Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
#2: SET YOUR BOUNDARIES
A lot of us feel that because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This is a myth!
Setting boundaries involves deciding what you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them.
Maybe you don’t mind listening to your co-worker’s dramatic stories, even the obviously fictional ones. But you draw your line at verbal abuse or gossip.
The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will. Good luck!
It may also be the case that someone who gossips, manipulates others, or creates dramatic situations may not realize how their behaviour affects you or anyone else because they’re not great at picking up emotional or physical cues and nobody ever told them. An open conversation may help them realize this is unacceptable.
So, let them know. Set your boundaries. To keep things neutral, try to stick to “I Statements,” which will come across as less accusatory.
For example:
“I feel uncomfortable when I hear discussions around the physical attributes of our colleagues. I don’t think I want to be part of those conversations.”
“I really trust my friends, so whenever you lie to me it throws me for a loop. I hope that this won’t happen again.”
In case none of the above works as well as you’d like it to, switch up your routine.
Switching up your routine can help you avoid getting pulled in to conversations you’d rather skip. Try eating lunch somewhere besides the break room, wearing headphones, or reading a book.
If a relative is cornering you to get back to a conversation that you know will not lead anywhere except to high blood-pressure town, use the classic “I’m sorry, got to go, I’m late!” and high tail it outta there!
#3: YOUR SELF WORTH COMES FROM WITHIN
When your sense of happiness and validation is derived from log kya kahenge (what will other people say), you are no longer the master of your own state of mind. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.
Of course, it’s near impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. It doesn’t come easy but keep practicing. You’ll get there!
Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
Remember, positive self-talk and affirmations are the strongest tools to wipe out the other voices and will keep you safe from absorbing negativity from others.
You might also want to check out Masterlife’s course on How to Build an Awesome Personal Brand. It’s got some tips, tricks, and hacks that always come in handy.
#4: PUT YOURSELF FIRST
Maybe the person in question “desperately needs” your help to get them out of a bind — every time you see them. Maybe you recognize a pattern in the way that you’re always “giving” while never “receiving”. That’s not a real friendship.
You might value your relationship with this person, but don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being.
Taking care of yourself involves making sure you have enough emotional energy to meet your own needs. This may not happen when you’re giving everything to someone who doesn’t offer anything in return.
So, recognize these patterns — and break the cycle.
#5: FOCUS ON THE SOLUTIONS NOT THE PROBLEM
Where you focus your attention will ultimately decide your emotional state.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are results in giving them power over you.
Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
Focus on solutions. Focus on the actions that will take you to the solutions.
#6: LIMIT YOUR TIME
Time is money people!
We all wallow in self-pity from time to time and it might be healthy even — but to a point.
Toxic people complain and wallow most of the time and simply do not focus on solving their problems. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. You don’t want to appear callous or rude so you listen. This ends up sucking out YOUR energy. They’re kind of like Energy Vampires if you think about it.
Remember, there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into a negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all evening inhaling second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, right?
If you’re never available, they might eventually stop trying to engage. This strategy can be particularly helpful at work, where you’re bound to have plenty of honest excuses, like:
“Sorry, I have too much work to chat.”
“Got to prep for that meeting, so I can’t talk!”
Or my favourite, “Sorry, I really need to go to the bathroom.”
You might face some passive-aggressive remarks or outright accusations when you make your excuses. Try not to respond, even if you feel upset. Remember: It’s not about you.
Keep your eye on the end goal — you want to be left alone.
#7: PICK YOUR BATTLES & DEMAND STRAIGHT ANSWERS
You need to live to fight another day, especially when your opponent is a toxic individual.
In conflict, you may end up getting your own feelings hurt or be gas-lit. So choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
Also, toxic people will often go out of their way to give arbitrary, vague, non-committal or misleading answers to questions. Just look at the state of this country and the mental gymnastics some people will go through to prove a point that has no standing in facts whatsoever. The lengths a toxic person will go to avoid giving a satisfactory answer are incredible.
The trick to getting around this is to present them with only closed questions, that is, a question with a yes or no answer. This will force them to make their intentions clear, and prevent them from playing mind games with you or others.
And if even this brings you stress, as it will after repeat arguments, decide when it becomes not worth your time and just stop engaging. It will do you a world of good.
#8: FORGIVE BUT DON’T FORGET
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.
Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly BUT are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
#9: KEEP YOUR INNER CIRCLE STRONG
You cannot tackle everything by yourself!
To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on these difficult individuals.
Trust me, you have people at work, in your friends and family circles who are on your team and are rooting for you. These are the people who have your back and will also honestly tell you like it is.
Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
#10: STAY CALM & WORK WITH A THERAPIST
Next time you feel anxious during an interaction here’s what you’re going to do:
· Breathe slowly and deeply.
· Try relaxing your muscles instead of tensing them.
· Let the words wash over you and silently repeat a calming mantra.
· Remind yourself that this person doesn’t really matter in the grander scheme of your life.
· Have a clear exit strategy, make like a tree, and leaf.
Important: Sometimes, cutting people out of your life may seem like the only way to escape their toxic behaviour. Also, sometimes this isn’t a feasible solution.
If you have to stay involved with the person, consider getting help from a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help people work through difficult situations like these and can offer compassionate, judgment-free support that fits your circumstances.
You could also consider taking up the Masterlife course on Improving Your Mental Health with renowned therapist Anna Chandy or How to Manage Stress and Thrive with Paras Sharma, Founder of The Alternative Story.
Bottom line: Remember, if you have to spend time with someone who exhibits toxic behaviour, remind yourself their actions aren’t your fault nor your responsibility. It’s important they know what you’re not willing to tolerate.
For learning new skills or understanding yourself and your mind better, remember — Masterlife is just a click away.
Happy learning!
