The 9 Steps to Controlling Your Emotions
Stop letting emotions and feelings get in your way
Too often have we lost patience with a child or snapped at a more difficult client that we believed (at the time), had it coming. A lot more often than not, the end result has been disastrous and the initial problem that triggered the whole thing remains unsolved — heightened stress to boot.
How do we make sure these things NEVER happen again? Is it even possible?
Why yes, it most certainly is!
At Masterlife, our favorite thing to do is to dissect and truly understand real-life problems, categorize the areas of life they fall under, and then solve for them through developing life-skills via daily habits. For a problem like this one, we have a whole course with expert Feroza Engineer on Emotional Intelligence and another one on Building Unwavering Confidence to help you master techniques to change your life.
You can always take up the course on Masterlife, but for a quick, actionable (partial) solution to the bigger problem, carry on reading.
First off — who’s the culprit? The difficult client? The unruly child? That hopelessly antagonistic relative? Maybe not. The main culprit here is our inability to control our emotions.
Emotions are the most present, pressing, and sometimes painful forces in our lives. Our emotions affect our thoughts, influence our actions, and often speak to our rational minds with superior authority.
And amidst all this, here is what we need to remember:
We cry because hurt exists. We sacrifice because love exists. We anger because betrayal exists.
We’re not wrong in feeling the way we do. In fact, it’s what makes us human. But when we act on our emotions too quickly, we often make deeply regrettable, and often irreversible choices.
THEORY FIRST
What are emotions? What are feelings? Are they the same thing?
Deep down you probably already know the answer to this question. You’re aware that they are different things. Not as different as chalk and cheese — but different nonetheless.
Before we go any further, let’s set the record straight.
Emotions vs Feelings
While emotions are associated with bodily reactions (hunger, pain) that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain, feelings are the conscious experience of emotional reactions.
On the other hand, originating in the neocortical regions of the brain, feelings are sparked by emotions and shaped by personal experiences, beliefs, memories, and thoughts linked to that particular emotion. Strictly speaking, a feeling is the side product of your brain perceiving an emotion and assigning a certain meaning to it.
Emotions can therefore exist as information to guide how we interact with the world, restrict (or widen) our behaviors according to the situation.
THE MASTERLIFE SOLUTION
STEP 1: IT’S ALL IN THE LABEL, SWEETIE
You’re in hot water. The first step is to honestly acknowledge how you’re feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? You can catch a tiger by its toe if you label the tiger first. Put a name to your emotions. Keep in mind you might feel a whole bunch at once — like anxious, frustrated, and impatient.
Labelling how you feel can take a lot of the sting out of the emotion.
It can also help you take careful note of how those feelings are likely to affect your decisions.
STEP 2: REFRAME THE PICTURE
Your emotions affect the way you perceive events. If you’re feeling anxious and you get an email from the boss that says she wants to see you right away, you might assume you’re going to get fired. Imagine you receive the mail whilst feeling elated about something. Your first thought could’ve been that you’re absolutely crushing it and might be next in line for that promotion.
Always consider the emotional filter you’re looking through.
Then, reframe your thoughts to develop a more realistic view. Do this with everything. Do this every day. Make this a lifelong habit.
STEP 3: STEP INTO DIFFERENT SHOES
Sometimes, the easiest way to gain a different perspective is to take a step back and ask yourself, “What would I say to a colleague who had this problem?” Suddenly, you feel lighter. That’s the emotions lifting off from your shoulders. Use this hack to be more rational in your approach to problems.
STEP 4: CHANGE THE CHANNEL
You know how when you don’t like what you’re watching you change channels or streaming platforms? Try doing that when you find yourself dwelling on negative emotions.
Change the channel in your brain.
A quick physical activity, like going for a walk or cleaning off your desk, can help you stop ruminating.
STEP 5: POSITIVE BOOSTS ARE THE SECRET TO A GOOD MOOD
Quick. Think of what you did the last time your heart was broken? Probably listened to Adele on loop. We understand. Studies have shown that when you’re in a bad mood, you’re likely to engage in activities that keep you in that state of mind. Isolating yourself, mindlessly scrolling through your phone, drunk-dialing your ex, are just a few of the typical “go-to bad mood behaviors” you might indulge in.
However, those things will keep you stuck in a loop like a broken record. You have to take positive action if you want to feel better. Do the stuff you’d do when happy. This works.
STEP 6: REGULATION, YES. REPRESSION, NO.
We’re humans, not machines. We can’t switch off and on or change the mood with a dial. But we do try, don’t we? That’s not a smart fix.
When you suppress or repress emotions, you’re preventing yourself from experiencing and expressing feelings. This can happen consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression). Either can contribute to mental and physical health symptoms.
When learning to exercise control over emotions, make sure you aren’t just sweeping them under the rug.
Healthy emotional expression involves finding some balance between overwhelming emotions and no emotions at all.
Here are some regulation techniques:
- Journaling: It provides the most benefit when you do it daily. Keep your journal with you and jot down intense emotions or feelings as they happen. Try to note the triggers and your reaction. If your reaction didn’t help, use your journal to explore more helpful possibilities for the future.
- Take a Deep Breath: This really helps. And we have the evidence to prove it. Check out Masterlife’s course on Developing a High-Performance Mindset. Our experts have trained national level athletes and they all start with the same thing: Take a deep breath. Please.
- Meditation: Meditation can help you increase your awareness of all feelings and experiences. When you meditate, you’re teaching yourself to sit with those feelings, to notice them without judging yourself, or attempting to change them or make them go away.
STEP 7: HELLO, IT’S YOUR THERAPIST CALLING
It’s 2020. Let’s collectively agree that it’s not just mentally unstable people that need to see a therapist. Professional support is needed by everyone to make sure that our mental vitality is functioning at peak performance.
In Masterlife’s course on Improving Your Mental Health with Anna Chandy, she will open your mind to such commonplace factors that are affecting our mental health — most of which we’d never even considered before. Give it a go and see for yourself.
STEP 8: PICK YOUR BATTLES
Avoid circumstances that trigger unwanted emotions. If you know that you’re most likely to get angry when you’re in a hurry (and you become angry when others force you to wait), then don’t leave things for the last minute.
Get out of the house or office 10 minutes before you need to, and you won’t be bothered so much by pedestrians, cars, or slow elevators.
Similarly, if there’s an acquaintance you find completely annoying, figure out a way to keep from bumping into that person.
STEP 9: MODIFICATION CAN WORK WONDERS
This might not be something you want to hear, but it’s time.
Perhaps your negative emotions are coming from unmet expectations.
Maybe you’re hoping for a “perfect” meal with your family. Maybe you want that article you write to hit a thousand clicks within its first hour. Maybe you’re being a little too hard on yourself. Maybe, stop?
Start modifying situations whenever possible. Try finding recipes within your range of ability to pull off that meal. Meanwhile, spend more time on the side improving aforementioned abilities but do it at a more comfortable pace. Start with an omelet — the soufflé can wait.
That’s our 9-step approach and we’re sure that you can use it to quickly adapt to the most characteristic situations that cause you trouble.
Being able to alter your thoughts and reactions will build your confidence in your own ability to cope.
With practice, you’ll be able to turn negatives into positives and remember, Masterlife is just a click away!
